Udder Crack

Cruel world, I woke up this morning to the sweet aroma of cleaning solution.

I had to wrench my weary head from the caramelized spit that had gorilla-glued my face to the couch. It took me a few moments to figure out where I was. A small Latin man was gawking at me, which was strange. That’s not my roommate, I thought to myself. My roommate’s Oriental. This man is of the Latin American variety. In the words of an old fag, Something’s not sitting right. He held a bottle of windex in mid spray, distracted by my sudden arousal. The room spun around a bit before I could identify it as the lounge at Gramercy Green. “Sorry!” he said abruptly, nearly causing me to release the gas that had built up in my fragile bowels, surely a result of the double quarter pounder with cheese, meejum fries, milkshake, slice of pepperoni pizza, double cheeseburger, nuther meejum frie, fo piece chicken nugs with honey mustard and large dr. pepper that I had consumed over the course of the previous night. It was as if he had x-ray vision and had seen the bulbous mass tumbling around in my innards, because his face contorted, his eyes popped our of his head and he began suddenly scrubbing like mad at the table next to me. 

“That’s ok,” I said, rubbing my eyes and checking my phone (per usual I had no calls or texts, save one from my little asian princess that said “btch where you be”). The man mumbled something apologetic in what may have been english, although I’m not certain, and at that I took my leave. 

Thus, the result of a night of udder crackdom. Dame Samantha and I disobeyed the order of the most honorable BON QUI QUI: “Have it your way, but DON’T GET CRAZY.” Needless to say, we got crazy. Lots of sherry. I assure you, I’ve only had a few ales. Sherry? Sherryyyy. Thanks to an unknown number of McDonald’s cups filled with unidentifiable fluids (not sherry), I don’t remember much from last night’s crackdom. Some things that cum to this cracked mind: lenseless glasses (per usual). Milkshakes (2). Yelling. Charlie the security guard. Marlboro reds. EmbarrASSment. Guitar playing. More guitar playing. Laughing at someone playing guitar, then getting slightly turned on by it. Getting my booty fondled by Aslan from the Chronicles of Narnia. Going to McDon’s (twice). I’m sure more crack will come to mind, but this is all that I can think of right now that’s G-rated enough to include in this blog

I can hear you right now, you silly, silly boy or girl. How DARE you? How DARE you call me inhumane?

And just for the record, Paulie Dano never showed up. RUDE.

The Sex

The Sex


I think this picture is funny. My nose looks like an anus. 


Jah mez


2 responses to “Udder Crack

  1. DIGS, DIGS, DIGS this.
    Your style of writing is utterly magnificent to say the least.

  2. I believe I was the one who encouraged you to sleep in the study lounge. Apologies x 10, though maybe not because you got a sweet blogpost out of that cleaning man. Okay, so not.

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