Dear Cruel World,
Spank me silly and slap me side ways. It is udderly reprehensible that I have not posted on this blessed wall in some near three weeks. THE HORROR. Please rest assured that I have been self-flagellating (in every way possible) in order to punish myself for the temporary hiatus of sexual and kinky love.
But alas, I must tell you of the sacred and erotic city in which I currently reside. Buenos Aires is the sanctuary of udder crackdom. Udder. Crack. Sherry, Sherry, you have no idea. I can barely remember half the crack that’s gone down since I arrived with my two suitcases in hand and leather man bag clutched like a mewling babe to my breast. But I shall try to recount to the best of my ability some of the misadventures I’ve been so blessed to stumble upon.
Firstly I must say that the people who live here all look like they’ve just fallen out of a Dolce & Gabbana add. Like seriously, I can barely make the 15 minute walk to school without creaming myself so hard it feels like a bottle of Ready Whip just exploded in my pants. Honestly, EVERYONE is attractive. It’s horrible and wonderful at the same time. Also, one of my professors is gorgeous, but apparently he’s tossing his sausage exclusively at some other Argentine fellow. I’m telling you, I just can’t compete. Oh, well, life goes on.
And so it does. I was at this three story gay club last weekend that resembled an underground secret city. A city in which all the inhabitants don’t wear shirts and whose erect cocks pop like daisies from their beltloops. One of these cocks was especially chocolate bar-like and tried to nuzzle me by the urinal in the bathroom. All I could do was stifle my pee (ouch! hello, urinary tract infection) and flee the premesis, genitals unscathed. I spent the rest of that night dancing like a shirtless, ebola-infected monkey on a giant platform in the middle of the dancefloor. After that I was relieved to find my oasis in an open McDonalds (yes they have McDons here, thanks be to Allah, except they are like the same price as in the US, which makes it a “splurge” restaurant for most of the people here…). I ordered a d-cheese with bacon (sorry d-samanth), a coke and fries, but ended up eating all of that plus the chix nugs that my sea-weasy companion was at the moment not interested in.
Other nights have been filled with more Argentine things and less NYC things (like fags and d-cheeses). My Greecian apartment mate and I have frequented some pretty fantastic milongas where the locals play sweet tango jams during which I attempt to put to use my 4 classes worth of tango skills (FAIL). Also I enjoy drinking liters of beer for like 3 pesos (less than US$1).
The meat here is also very good (both kinds of meat, might I add). Tender, juicy and supple. Yummm.
Well there is tons more I have to tell you, but at the moment I must go get drunk and see some drag show. FABULOUS. I will post more soon, my dearest, dearest readers.